This is a post about lipstick.
This is because an excellent person on Twitter mentioned the names of their lipsticks and I have a whole PhD. to write so I’d rather write this instead.
If you’re here for the colours, stay for the drama.
(That’s the sort of sassy, pithy statement I’d make in an imaginary marketing campaign for leggings. Or socks.)
So we begin.
With my favourite lipstick for casual-formality.
This for when I want to look like I am Good At Make-Up™ but in a way that is so casual that I wasn’t even really trying, you know? I use this lipstick for occasions which involve food but also pre and post-meal human interaction.
It is a Bourjois Rouge Edition (Velvet 8): Grand Cru. I googled Grand Cru and it is a shade of wine. This is a dark red lipstick. It all makes sense. Onto the next!
The Phil Collins one.
This is because this one stays on AGAINST ALL ODDS. Yeah, take a look at me now! Here is a list of situations it’s survived through:
Climbing (why do I wear lipstick to climbing? why do you NOT?), the gym (okay, that was because I went straight after work), eating pizza, eating pasta, eating in general, drinking wine, drinking beer, drinking in general, sleeping (nap), sleeping (sleep), sleeping (doze)
This is called Matte Me by Sleek and the shade is Velvet Slipper. Note: it only looks velvety, but not slippery when on.
“Have you heard about Colorbar? Why has no one in this country heard about Colorbar?!”
This is an amazing pink lipstick that has the best fade of all time. Like Drake’s literal head does not have a fade as good as this one. When this lipstick succumbs to the overpowering strength of chilli oil, it fades to a lovely lighter pink so that it just looks like you changed your lipstick. That’s it. No weird patches, no rubs, no lipstick all over your face. And no one seems to have heard of Colorbar in the UK, which makes some of the best lipsticks I’ve ever had in my life.
Colorbar: Oh My Magenta!
Their only issue is that they’re terrible at naming things. But you can’t have everything.
We all have one of these. It’s that sort-of-not-great lipstick that’s kind of the same shade as a few of your other ones, so you’ll put it in your bag or pocket to take on a night out because it doesn’t matter if you leave it on the sink while telling your new best friend from the toilet that she will definitely, 100% find love in 2017 because this is HER year and someone as beautiful and wonderful and kind as her should NOT be crying over a BOY because she is a WO-MAN and Beyonce said to get her shit together.
It is called M-A-CRed. It is a MAC lipstick and it is red.
This is the lipstick that is just not that great. But you keep it anyway. So that you can try and put it on once every 3 months to remind yourself of why you don’t really use this one.
Mine is called Candyfloss by this brand called Faces and I couldn’t care less about it. Except that I will not throw it away because who knows, maybe one day, right?
The Amazon purchase.
You bought a lipstick from a normally-pricey-ish brand off of Amazon only because it was so ridiculously cheap. It takes two weeks to arrive from another country, it has a colour that looks nothing like you imagined, and it tastes funny. And you wear it anyway because you paid a whole £3 for it.
This is my NYX “Words in French” lip cream in a shade called “Transylvania”.
MY LIPS DO NOT LOOK LIKE THE PHOTO WHEN I WEAR THIS LIPSTICK WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL
There’s drugstore and then there’s *this*.
Yep, I have a Sainsbury’s own-brand (“Boutique”) lipstick. It is purple and lovely. It was £3. It is also appropriately called “Gift of the Gab”. It is one of my favourite lipsticks.
Sephora is amazing.
Sephora is amazing, their lipsticks are fantastic. My dark brown lipstick from Sephora fades into a dark red. It makes me feel like Morticia Addams, but also working in that tense office from Devil Wears Prada. So Emily Blunt from Devil Wears Prada.
There seem to be no names for these lipsticks, so I will just say that it is a Dark Brown.
The one for when I’m an adult woman.
This is a nude lipstick. And I bought it from India, so actual brown person nude. I don’t wear it very often because it makes me feel like I’m not wearing any lipstick. How do I function without being validated by the patriarchy for my obvious attempts to be Beautiful? I do not know, thus I do not wear it.
It is a nice colour for when I am self-actualised. It is a Colorbar lipstick called Barefoot.
The stolen one.
I took this from Leona because she said it looks nice on me. I also think it looks nice on me. It is my fourth purple lipstick, and I feel like Ramona Flowers because I have more than two purple lipsticks. That is a feeling that makes sense in my head.
This one has a lot of words. NYX Liquid Suede Cream Lipstick Vintage/Retro. One of those is the name of the shade, you figure that one out.
Also, this NYX lipstick does actually look like the photo when it’s on.
“What colour is this?”
This next lipstick is either light brown, caramel, brown-ish gold, or nothing – depending on the day. This lipstick will chose what colour to manifest itself in based on its mood. It will assess the humidity, water pressure, wind patterns, general temperament, public sentiment and the likelihood of Brexit actually happening. Then, it will make its decision. 9/10, you will put on another lipstick right on top of it because you’ve wasted too much time trying to figure out how it looks.
This is called Bronze by Colorbar. That should be a hint, and it is. But only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Thursday on years that end with an even number.
I couldn’t even find a photo of it online.
Does this lipstick even exist?
“I’m not Zoella, what is a Zoella?!”
This is the kind of lipstick that professional adults use. On my best day of wearing this, someone told me that I seemed “remarkably put-together and confident”. On my worst day of attempting to wear it, I cried. Twice.
It is an excellent lipstick (probably the best) once it is on. Many an accomplished woman with a steady hand can achieve success with this lipstick. There is a reason why it is called Lady Balls. (It’s by Too Faced)
The expired one.
This was when I thought I could wear orange lipstick. I cannot wear orange lipstick.
This is called Kiss Me Coral by Revlon. Brown women, you probably read the word “coral” and had instant whiplash. I apologise.
The FANCY one.
This one was a gift from a very cool and fancy aunt of mine. She got it in a gift bag from like Cannes or something (YES she is THAT cool). I cannot wear this colour as it is also a shade of orange. But I have kept it because it is a GUCCI lipstick.
This is probably the only designer thing I own. So I have kept it to remind myself of what the 1% live like. It is called Audacious Lipstick Ardor. Which is probably due to the fact that it is ridiculous to buy a lipstick from a brand that makes a $32,000 handbag that I’ve seen sold on Commercial Street in Bangalore for a whole 200 rupees.
This has and always will be my favourite lipstick. It is from the Pulp Fiction range that Urban Decay was doing for a limited period of time. It is the exact shade of red that Uma Thurman wears in the movie. It is my lucky lipstick. Look at you, mocking me for being a a grown woman who’s superstitious. You’re probably a Scorpio, aren’t you?
It is appropriately called Mrs. Mia Wallace. Look at how happy I am wearing it for my first ever comedy gig!
And that’s it! If you wanna join in, tweet your favourite lipsticks at me!