Pyjama Wine

Feel free to sing along!*

 

*only if you have wine

 

It’s nine o’clock on a Saturday

Wearing clothes I’m sleepin’ in

There’s no man sitting next to me

Just myself, and my tonic and gin

 

I say, “Man, this tastes a bit lemony

And the taste of sloe gin really blows

It’s sad and it’s sweet

And bitter, incomplete

I wish it were wine that I chose.”

 

Bring us a glass of pyjama wine

Bring us a glass tonight

Yes, we’re all in the mood for a beaujolais

It’s got us feeling alright

 

Now John at the shop is a friend of mine

He stares at my chest for free

And he’s quick with a joke and an odd, creepy bloke

But he’s selling his wine to me

 

He says, “Where are you from originally?”

Lacking sense or tact or grace

“Well, I’m sure that you could be American

If you didn’t have an Indian face.”

 

Now Paul is a tolerant humanist

Who never heard that in his life

And he sets down his gravy, and gets a bit cagey

And fights with John for my rights

 

And the two men are arguing politics

Each one hoping they can get boned

Yes, they’re sharing a drink they call “Manliness”

Which is why I prefer drinking alone

 

Bring us a glass of pyjama wine

Bring us a glass tonight

Yes, we’re all in the mood for a beaujolais

It’s got us feeling alright

 

It’s a pretty good crowd for a Saturday

Just me, having raided the wine aisle

And I’m right back in bed with a big glass of red

To forget about life for a while

 

And the merlot it tastes like a carnival

And the chardonnay gives me a cheer

Why sit at the bar and put money in their jar?

When I could be drinking right here

 

Bring us a glass of pyjama wine

Bring us a glass tonight

Yes, we’re all in the mood for a beaujolais

It’s got us feeling alright

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Ten Reasons Why Toilet Bowls are Better Than People

I’ve been off for a few weeks with a cough that shook every ounce of energy out of my tiny, frail body. (Help me). Kidding, I was mostly fine, albeit the loss of some brain cells. Anyway, I’ve been revived by this excellent suggestion, received through the contact form on my website (shameless plug, worth it). This might just be my favourite Poached Egg Challenge post yet! 

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1. Good ol’ fashioned alone time.

Have you ever been followed into the bathroom by another person? (If the answer – worryingly – is “yes”, you should report them under most circumstances). Time on the toilet is time to myself. No humans are good humans.

2. Good ol’ fashioned escape time. 

Can’t cry at your desk at work? No worries! That’s what the toilets are for!

I’m kidding, I don’t cry on the outside at work. I cry on the inside, like a winner.

3. They’re accepting. 

Toilet bowls will take any crap, literally (haha you knew I was going to put that in somewhere haha), you throw at them and do so with pride. Apart from the obvious, my toilet bowl has also taken make-up pads, tissue paper, other paper that I was too lazy to find a dustbin for, my tears AND my dreams. What a good boy.

4. They’re non-judgemental and non-discriminatory. 

Unnecessary to state, but necessary to emphasise upon – TOILET. BOWLS. DON’T. JUDGE. They’ve seen things, man. They’ve been there. And do they care? No.

Have I just anthropomorphised a toilet? Yes. So what? Still makes better conversation than a lot of “actual” people I’ve met.

5. They give you comfort. 

Through sickness, health, more sickness and even the unspeakable. People will come and go, toilet bowls will be there forever.

Have you ever needed the toilet REALLY BADLY and then IT HAPPENS? That sense of relief – humans will never bring that to you. Unless they’ve facilitated access to a toilet, in which case they’ve redeemed themselves for a quick second.

6. They give you confidence. 

Don’t lie to me and pretend like you’ve never spent enough time on the toilet to leave feeling a pound lighter and ready to take on the world. I have specific items of clothing that will only fit with toilet assistance sometimes. True story. Grossed out? Typical human.

7. They give you ACCESSORIES…

A world of entertainment! My favourite houses are houses with bookshelves near the toilet. But also – toilet music, motion-activated lights and toilet golf?! Alone time just got an UPGRADE, HONEY.

8. …including the MOST important man-made creation to exist. 

Sure, I miss my family a lot. I hug my parents when I get home in December and that’s wonderful etc. but NOTHING beats the unadulterated happiness that I feel in my heart when I finally see the butt spray. Not kidding, but for all of the “developing country” nonsense India puts up with, NO ONE talks about how we REVOLUTIONISED toilet usage. None of that loo roll rubbish, son. EDUCATE YOSELF.

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9. Sitting on a cold toilet bowl on a warm day. 

Again, I grew up in a warm country. And to those of you who did – don’t lie to me and tell me that you didn’t feel even the tiniest bit of joy when it was a really hot day and you sat down on a cold toilet seat. DO NOT LIE TO ME. That’s a sense of relief like no interaction with a human person will ever get you.

10. Actually having tolerable human interactions in bathrooms. 

I should’ve phrased this point better. Anyway. As much as I moan about human people in these posts, I’ve had some heartwarming moments that involved meeting women in bathrooms.

I’m not helping.

But you know what I mean. You’re in some stupid club because you have to be because you have the worst friends so you go to the bathroom to have a hearing break and some nice (probably drunk) girl tells you that you’re a beautiful angel with a choice in lipstick that even Angelina Jolie would envy and suddenly everything is alright? Yeah, I knew you knew what I meant.

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Ten Reasons Why Very Niche Online Surveys are Better than People

This is possibly the worst participant recruitment activity to ever exist. Read at your own peril. (#pec)

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1. Time is money.

Do you know how long an interaction with another human takes? No one does! Human beings are unpredictable. Online surveys, though? They set their agenda from the beginning. Does it say 15 minutes? It means 15 minutes. Or less!

2. Money is power. 

How often do you get rewarded for interacting with human people? Almost never. How often do you stand a chance at being rewarded for an online survey? Almost always! I’d take a shot at an Amazon voucher over a conversation with another human any day.

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3. Interacting online is better than interacting in person. 

Yes, you might actually be interacting with a human by doing a survey. But, indirectly! Which is possibly the best type of interaction you could have with a person.

4. Buzzfeed quizzes. 

You owe your life to Buzzfeed quizzes. You’ve had *that* day. With meetings and conversations and stress. And then, you procrastinated with a quiz and found out that you’re more Patrick than Squidward and suddenly, the world is alright again. You know what I’m talking about.

5. So. Many. Graphs. 

You know what surveys lead to? Quantitative data. You know what you can use quantitative data for? MAKING GRAPHS. Watch this space for a post about why GRAPHS are better than human people.

6. Statistics.

What comes before graphs? Analyses. I’ve discovered that: a) doing statistics is better than hanging out with people, and b) talking about statistics is a good way to get rid of them. So many benefits!

And don’t even get me started on collating it all in Excel – I already got myself started a week ago.

7. No one knows who you are. 

Most surveys mean anonymity. A place where no one knows your name. What happens when no one knows you? They don’t talk to you.

8. Channel that anger! 

Opinion-based surveys are the best type. Humans love giving opinions, it’s a fact. It’s why surveys are such an effective research tool*

 

*citation forthcoming

9. Procrastination.

I’ve spent a lot of time doing surveys as a means of productive procrastination. Typing your opinions into a computer furiously also makes you look impressively busy, warding off possible conversationalists.

10. A chance to promote my survey! 

Finally, surveys are better than people because they give me a shot at writing this post in order for me to find a sneaky way to promote my own survey which is about TRAINS. The best kind of survey.

If you live in the UK, want to a shot at a £40 Amazon voucher, and have opinions on trains – this one’s for you! 

 

 

 

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Ten Reasons Why Microsoft Excel is Better Than People

This is mostly just a collection of things that I love about Microsoft Excel. My blog, my rules. Here’s another week of the Poached Egg Challenge (#pec)

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1. Spreadsheets are love. 

Spreadsheets are life. There is no stronger bond than the one between (wo)man and spreadsheet. People are often tardy, boring or unruly. Spreadsheets are none of those things. They are organisational perfection.

2. Borders.

Look at all of these border options in Excel:

jhjkh

People do not respect your boundaries the way that Excel does.

3. =COUNTIF

This is the best function in Excel, and if you disagree, you are a fool. It’s counting but with SUPERPOWERS. No human has ever impressed me as much as an excellently-formed COUNTIF function has the ability to do.

4. The Recently Used button.

Excel is so helpful and kind. You can find your recently used formulas by clicking this button. This makes data-inputting faster, and my day better. People reminding me of my recent behaviors have all ended up being regrettable conversations that have ruined my mood.

5. Diagonal Text

Running out of space in a cell? No worries, just tip your text on it’s side and you’ve got DIAGONAL WORDS. How snazzy is that?!

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6. =DAYS

This embarrassing, but I have issues re: counting days. So if you give me a date range, it takes me a while to figure out how many days you’re talking about (this is *your* fault, people are the worst). Excel, however, will do that FOR me.

7. Wrap Text and Merge & Center.

Have you ever had too much data in your cell, thus destroying the beauty of your table? The answer is NO. Because Excel will wrap, merge and center those cells until it can’t do it no mo’. Excel goes the extra mile for you.

8. Cell formats.

There are SO MANY formats for cells on Excel. Look at them!

sdfsd

People are GENERAL-ly a small PERCENTAGE of SPECIAL compared to Excel, and I’m ACCOUNTING for all CUSTOM variables here. Their CURRENCY is a FRACTION of – okay I can stop now.

9. CHARTS.

People often say too many words, and a small number of them end up being useful. Charts barely use any words, but contain a LARGE amount of HEART. And probably information. But mostly, love.

10. PivotTables.

PivotTables are REVOLUTIONARY for their data summarizing capabilities. Don’t even get me started on PIVOTCHARTS. Can people even ASPIRE to be that magnificent? (No!)

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Ten Reasons Why *Even* The Gym is Better than People

I’ve had a two-week hiatus thanks to all the (actual) writing I’ve had to do. Unfortunately, none of it has been the fun kind – like these Poached Egg Challenge (#pec) posts! In an attempt to motivate myself for what should be a required exercise-heavy weekend, I’ve decided to write about why EVEN the goshdarn GYM is better than human people. 

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1. No talking. 

Nobody chats at the gym. All around me are familiar faces, worn out faces, yet none of us will engage in any more communication than a quick nod before awkwardly breaking eye contact. It’s beautiful.

2. No notifications. 

While being at the gym might not *completely* be better than being with people, you do get to avoid people while you’re there by putting your phone away. So I guess that’s a plus?

3. No news. 

Do you wake up every morning and feel like you shouldn’t have bothered because the news is always the worst? The gym is a place where your phone (and the news) does not exist for at least a solid 30 minutes. People, on the other hand, always want to have discussions about it. Sometimes, for more than 30 minutes. WHY.

4. Endorphins. 

People give you headaches. The gym gives you endorphins. Headaches = bad. Endorphins = good.

5. That feeling of accomplishment. 

I don’t often feel accomplished, but the gym is the one place that gives me rewards for being there. Literally. My watch sends me fitness awards ~douche alert~ . I never get prizes for enduring the presence of other people.

6. Trashy music. 

There is always terrible music on at the gym, and it is GREAT. When you’re with people, however, they don’t always want to listen to Knocks You Down by Keri Hilson ft. Kanye West and Ne-Yo.

Monsters.

7. No thinking. 

I cannot multi-task. Thus, I cannot overthink every social interaction I’ve ever had when I’m at the gym. It’s just me and the reliable whirring of the rowing machine. Not only do I get to not be around people, I’m not thinking about them either!

8. Post-gym potatoes. 

I seldom get to justify rewarding myself with potatoes after hanging out with people. I always get to justify rewarding myself with potatoes after going to the gym.

9. Gym clothes. 

That combination of soft leggings, a shirt you stole from someone one time and your worst pair of socks. That is a combination made in Comfort Heaven. Unfortunately, you cannot wear that combination all of the time. Why? The Patriarchy People. (But also, the patriarchy).

10. Stretching. 

Sometimes a good stretch can fix everything that hasn’t been working in your life. Back pain? Stretch it out. Foot cramp? Stretching will help. Immeasurable amounts of debt? Stretch one leg into a car, then the other, and then drive away and never look back.

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Ten Reasons Why Snow is Better than People

This week has been insane. I’ve seen more snow than I’ve ever seen in my whole entire life. It’s been massively inconvenient and absolutely wonderful. Here’s why it’s been better than dealing with human people #poachedeggchallenge

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1. Stomp! 

I had the best time ever on Wednesday night, stomping through the snow. Feeling your boots sink into a (reasonably deep) soft cloud of snowy wonderfulness is the best feeling. You cannot (and should not) sink your feet into the gross bag of flesh and bones that is a human person.

2. Watching snowfall. 

I spent last night sitting in my warm living room, watching the snow fall. Not only was it better than ever having watched a human being, it was definitely more appropriate.

3. Snowpeople. 

Snowpeople are fun to make and are excellent friends, because they do not talk. People are probably fun to make, but that’s about it.

4. Snowball fights. 

Snow gives you a legitimate reason to throw something at another human without someone calling you vicious or mean-spirited.

5. Everything is cancelled. 

I have done nothing but sit at home for the past two days because of all of this damn snow. All plans, events, outside world shenanigans have been CANCELLED. Which means NO PEOPLE. Thank you, snow!

6. Warm food. 

A warm mug of tea or bowl of soup or pot of stew or glass of cognac what – all of those things feel significantly more wondrous when it is absolutely bonkers outside. Having warm people means that you’re now stuck inside with people. Boo!

7. Snow animals! 

The only thing cuter than sleeping animals are snowy animals. I present to you exhibits A and B:

Snowy people will never, ever be even half as adorable.

8. Walking through snow. 

It’s great to walk through snow (when the wind isn’t blowing you into the canal). It makes walking bearable. People make walking even worse than it already is.

9. Hibernating. 

Snowy days give you the perfect excuse to sleep and spend the entire day under your duvet – both TONS better than interacting with human people, as I’ve previously mentioned.

10. That snow silence. 

That calm silence outside that’s different to rain silence – you know what I mean. It’s all snowed-up outside, and all quiet and calm and beautiful. Do you know what that sound is? It’s the sound of nobody talking to you.

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Ten Reasons Why *Even* Valentine’s Day is Better Than People

I know it’s a bit late, but this Valentine’s Day nonsense is still on my timeline (Facebook, what’re your algorithms even doing?). Anyway! Thought it would be amusing to write about how a day about loving people is vastly superior to the actual thought of ever enduring the presence of another human person. Happy Belated Valentine’s Day! 

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1. Half-price food the next day. 

Turns out, if you run down the aisles of Tesco late at night on Valentine’s Day (while everyone else is busy paying for expensive food at uncomfortable locations) things are half price! The best tasting cake is cake that you have for almost-free. Why spend time with people when you can spend it with CAKE?

2. SALES!

Call it grossly commercialised but sales are a GIFT. Valentine’s Day means SALES EVERYWHERE. SALES EVERYWHERE means I can actually afford things like a normal human and not PhD scum.

3. Everything begins to taste like red velvet. 

Red velvet is one of the top 30 tastes in the world. I’ll give you my official list later but the point is, not enough things are made red velvet-y during the year, until Valentine’s Day comes around and it’s BACK BABY!

4. Chocolate was invented for Valentine’s Day! 

Okay, fake news, but Richard Cadbury did roll out his first ever batch of chocolate for Valentine’s Day. As far as people go, he is probably the only hero that deserves any of our love on this day.

5. It’s trashy movie season! 

You know what’s better than spending time with people? Going to the cinema without them. Even better – eating your entire bodyweight in popcorn while watching painfully attractive people say ridiculous dialogues at each other. Who was that creep watching Fifty Shades Freed alone on THE date night of the year? It was me. No shame.

6. You can see people getting all worked up over absolutely nothing. 

When people are busy getting worked up about things, they’re busy leaving you alone.

7. Conversations hearts were invented for Valentine’s Day! 

Messages or not, I will shove entire handfuls of those hearts into my mouth and enjoy every minute of it. Conversation hearts are the best candy there is: fact.

8. Valentine’s Day gave rise to Galentine’s Day 

As much as I hate people, I am always going to celebrate Leslie Knope’s holidays, even if they are about celebrating other people. Galentine’s Day is the most tolerable people-related holiday to exist. Amen.

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9. When people are spending time with their loved ones, they’re leaving you alone.  

This makes me sound pathetic, but so does this (and every other) post I’ve ever written. I love a good leave-alone.

10. Juliet gets a ton of Valentine’s Day cards. 

If you ever feel sad about not getting Valentine’s Day cards, Juliet (of Romeo and Juliet fame) gets about 1000 cards every year. You’ll never have that either, so…

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