A girl can’t write this sort of thing without her lipstick

This is a post about lipstick.

This is because an excellent person on Twitter mentioned the names of their lipsticks and I have a whole PhD. to write so I’d rather write this instead.

If you’re here for the colours, stay for the drama.

(That’s the sort of sassy, pithy statement I’d make in an imaginary marketing campaign for leggings. Or socks.)

So we begin.

With my favourite lipstick for casual-formality.

This for when I want to look like I am Good At Make-Up™ but in a way that is so casual that I wasn’t even really trying, you know? I use this lipstick for occasions which involve food but also pre and post-meal human interaction.

22851886_1691725357564097_1040057436846125176_n

See, this is what I mean by casual-formality. Ruki and I are wearing sarees, but there’s still nonsense involved.  

It is a Bourjois Rouge Edition (Velvet 8): Grand Cru. I googled Grand Cru and it is a shade of wine. This is a dark red lipstick. It all makes sense. Onto the next!

The Phil Collins one. 

This is because this one stays on AGAINST ALL ODDS. Yeah, take a look at me now! Here is a list of situations it’s survived through:

Climbing (why do I wear lipstick to climbing? why do you NOT?), the gym (okay, that was because I went straight after work), eating pizza, eating pasta, eating in general, drinking wine, drinking beer, drinking in general, sleeping (nap), sleeping (sleep), sleeping (doze)

17759791_10154506378417749_7296096018989856588_n

Excuse the stupid pose. This photo was taken AFTER lunch at Wahaca. AFTER. Lipstick is INTACT. 

This is called Matte Me by Sleek and the shade is Velvet Slipper. Note: it only looks velvety, but not slippery when on.

“Have you heard about Colorbar? Why has no one in this country heard about Colorbar?!”

This is an amazing pink lipstick that has the best fade of all time. Like Drake’s literal head does not have a fade as good as this one. When this lipstick succumbs to the overpowering strength of chilli oil, it fades to a lovely lighter pink so that it just looks like you changed your lipstick. That’s it. No weird patches, no rubs, no lipstick all over your face. And no one seems to have heard of Colorbar in the UK, which makes some of the best lipsticks I’ve ever had in my life.

13346761_1088400087896630_978449995929429417_n.jpg

There is also a photo of me actually managing to blow bubbles but you cannot see the lipstick as clearly. So, priorities. When I write a post about my favourite types of bubbles, you’ll see that photo. 

Colorbar: Oh My Magenta!

Their only issue is that they’re terrible at naming things. But you can’t have everything.

Nightclub lipstick. 

We all have one of these. It’s that sort-of-not-great lipstick that’s kind of the same shade as a few of your other ones, so you’ll put it in your bag or pocket to take on a night out because it doesn’t matter if you leave it on the sink while telling your new best friend from the toilet that she will definitely, 100% find love in 2017 because this is HER year and someone as beautiful and wonderful and kind as her should NOT be crying over a BOY because she is a WO-MAN and Beyonce said to get her shit together.

Untitled 2

There is another person in this blurry photo but I don’t know them well enough to explain this whole Thing to them. 

It is called M-A-CRed. It is a MAC lipstick and it is red.

The reject.

This is the lipstick that is just not that great. But you keep it anyway. So that you can try and put it on once every 3 months to remind yourself of why you don’t really use this one.

Faces Go Chic Lipsticks (5).JPG

Mine is called Candyfloss by this brand called Faces and I couldn’t care less about it. Except that I will not throw it away because who knows, maybe one day, right?

The Amazon purchase. 

You bought a lipstick from a normally-pricey-ish brand off of Amazon only because it was so ridiculously cheap. It takes two weeks to arrive from another country, it has a colour that looks nothing like you imagined, and it tastes funny. And you wear it anyway because you paid a whole £3 for it.

nyx-transylvania.jpg

This is my NYX “Words in French” lip cream in a shade called “Transylvania”.

MY LIPS DO NOT LOOK LIKE THE PHOTO WHEN I WEAR THIS LIPSTICK WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL

There’s drugstore and then there’s *this*.

Yep, I have a Sainsbury’s own-brand (“Boutique”) lipstick. It is purple and lovely. It was £3. It is also appropriately called “Gift of the Gab”. It is one of my favourite lipsticks.

sb9

Sephora is amazing.

Sephora is amazing, their lipsticks are fantastic. My dark brown lipstick from Sephora fades into a dark red. It makes me feel like Morticia Addams, but also working in that tense office from Devil Wears Prada. So Emily Blunt from Devil Wears Prada.

26733358_1894178667318764_3753133772599901911_n.jpg

You can’t really see the lipstick clearly in this photo, but I wanted to remind everyone that I’ve actually watched Hamilton so yeah that happened. 

There seem to be no names for these lipsticks, so I will just say that it is a Dark Brown.

The one for when I’m an adult woman.

This is a nude lipstick. And I bought it from India, so actual brown person nude. I don’t wear it very often because it makes me feel like I’m not wearing any lipstick. How do I function without being validated by the patriarchy for my obvious attempts to be Beautiful? I do not know, thus I do not wear it.

download

It is a nice colour for when I am self-actualised. It is a Colorbar lipstick called Barefoot.

The stolen one.

I took this from Leona because she said it looks nice on me. I also think it looks nice on me. It is my fourth purple lipstick, and I feel like Ramona Flowers because I have more than two purple lipsticks. That is a feeling that makes sense in my head.

m_590255f82fd0b7883b003a6d.jpg

This one has a lot of words. NYX Liquid Suede Cream Lipstick Vintage/Retro. One of those is the name of the shade, you figure that one out.

Also, this NYX lipstick does actually look like the photo when it’s on.

“What colour is this?”

This next lipstick is either light brown, caramel, brown-ish gold, or nothing – depending on the day. This lipstick will chose what colour to manifest itself in based on its mood. It will assess the humidity, water pressure, wind patterns, general temperament, public sentiment and the likelihood of Brexit actually happening. Then, it will make its decision. 9/10, you will put on another lipstick right on top of it because you’ve wasted too much time trying to figure out how it looks.

This is called Bronze by Colorbar. That should be a hint, and it is. But only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Thursday on years that end with an even number.

AND.

I couldn’t even find a photo of it online.

Does this lipstick even exist?

51417428_328093807913388_5085178382962917376_n.jpg

??????

“I’m not Zoella, what is a Zoella?!”

This is the kind of lipstick that professional adults use. On my best day of wearing this, someone told me that I seemed “remarkably put-together and confident”. On my worst day of attempting to wear it, I cried. Twice.

44594483_2239857536084207_3627210077447913472_n

This was the first time I wore this lipstick. Luckily, Leona (pictured on the right) was there to guide me through it. God bless Leona.

It is an excellent lipstick (probably the best) once it is on. Many an accomplished woman with a steady hand can achieve success with this lipstick. There is a reason why it is called Lady Balls. (It’s by Too Faced)

The expired one. 

This was when I thought I could wear orange lipstick. I cannot wear orange lipstick.

maxresdefault.jpg

I look just about as unhappy as this person seems to be when I wear this lipstick. 

This is called Kiss Me Coral by Revlon. Brown women, you probably read the word “coral” and had instant whiplash. I apologise.

The FANCY one. 

This one was a gift from a very cool and fancy aunt of mine. She got it in a gift bag from like Cannes or something (YES she is THAT cool). I cannot wear this colour as it is also a shade of orange. But I have kept it because it is a GUCCI lipstick.

s-l640.jpg

Smells like wealth

This is probably the only designer thing I own. So I have kept it to remind myself of what the 1% live like. It is called Audacious Lipstick Ardor. Which is probably due to the fact that it is ridiculous to buy a lipstick from a brand that makes a $32,000 handbag that I’ve seen sold on Commercial Street in Bangalore for a whole 200 rupees.

The favourite. 

This has and always will be my favourite lipstick. It is from the Pulp Fiction range that Urban Decay was doing for a limited period of time. It is the exact shade of red that Uma Thurman wears in the movie. It is my lucky lipstick. Look at you, mocking me for being a a grown woman who’s superstitious. You’re probably a Scorpio, aren’t you?

SteveCross

Photo credits to Steve Cross!

It is appropriately called Mrs. Mia Wallace. Look at how happy I am wearing it for my first ever comedy gig!

 

And that’s it! If you wanna join in, tweet your favourite lipsticks at me!

giphy.gif

 

 

Standard

Pyjama Wine

Feel free to sing along!*

 

*only if you have wine

 

It’s nine o’clock on a Saturday

Wearing clothes I’m sleepin’ in

There’s no man sitting next to me

Just myself, and my tonic and gin

 

I say, “Man, this tastes a bit lemony

And the taste of sloe gin really blows

It’s sad and it’s sweet

And bitter, incomplete

I wish it were wine that I chose.”

 

Bring us a glass of pyjama wine

Bring us a glass tonight

Yes, we’re all in the mood for a beaujolais

It’s got us feeling alright

 

Now John at the shop is a friend of mine

He stares at my chest for free

And he’s quick with a joke and an odd, creepy bloke

But he’s selling his wine to me

 

He says, “Where are you from originally?”

Lacking sense or tact or grace

“Well, I’m sure that you could be American

If you didn’t have an Indian face.”

 

Now Paul is a tolerant humanist

Who never heard that in his life

And he sets down his gravy, and gets a bit cagey

And fights with John for my rights

 

And the two men are arguing politics

Each one hoping they can get boned

Yes, they’re sharing a drink they call “Manliness”

Which is why I prefer drinking alone

 

Bring us a glass of pyjama wine

Bring us a glass tonight

Yes, we’re all in the mood for a beaujolais

It’s got us feeling alright

 

It’s a pretty good crowd for a Saturday

Just me, having raided the wine aisle

And I’m right back in bed with a big glass of red

To forget about life for a while

 

And the merlot it tastes like a carnival

And the chardonnay gives me a cheer

Why sit at the bar and put money in their jar?

When I could be drinking right here

 

Bring us a glass of pyjama wine

Bring us a glass tonight

Yes, we’re all in the mood for a beaujolais

It’s got us feeling alright

Standard

Ten Reasons Why Toilet Bowls are Better Than People

I’ve been off for a few weeks with a cough that shook every ounce of energy out of my tiny, frail body. (Help me). Kidding, I was mostly fine, albeit the loss of some brain cells. Anyway, I’ve been revived by this excellent suggestion, received through the contact form on my website (shameless plug, worth it). This might just be my favourite Poached Egg Challenge post yet! 

99866429b0d58804359217520ce172fb.jpg

1. Good ol’ fashioned alone time.

Have you ever been followed into the bathroom by another person? (If the answer – worryingly – is “yes”, you should report them under most circumstances). Time on the toilet is time to myself. No humans are good humans.

2. Good ol’ fashioned escape time. 

Can’t cry at your desk at work? No worries! That’s what the toilets are for!

I’m kidding, I don’t cry on the outside at work. I cry on the inside, like a winner.

3. They’re accepting. 

Toilet bowls will take any crap, literally (haha you knew I was going to put that in somewhere haha), you throw at them and do so with pride. Apart from the obvious, my toilet bowl has also taken make-up pads, tissue paper, other paper that I was too lazy to find a dustbin for, my tears AND my dreams. What a good boy.

4. They’re non-judgemental and non-discriminatory. 

Unnecessary to state, but necessary to emphasise upon – TOILET. BOWLS. DON’T. JUDGE. They’ve seen things, man. They’ve been there. And do they care? No.

Have I just anthropomorphised a toilet? Yes. So what? Still makes better conversation than a lot of “actual” people I’ve met.

5. They give you comfort. 

Through sickness, health, more sickness and even the unspeakable. People will come and go, toilet bowls will be there forever.

Have you ever needed the toilet REALLY BADLY and then IT HAPPENS? That sense of relief – humans will never bring that to you. Unless they’ve facilitated access to a toilet, in which case they’ve redeemed themselves for a quick second.

6. They give you confidence. 

Don’t lie to me and pretend like you’ve never spent enough time on the toilet to leave feeling a pound lighter and ready to take on the world. I have specific items of clothing that will only fit with toilet assistance sometimes. True story. Grossed out? Typical human.

7. They give you ACCESSORIES…

A world of entertainment! My favourite houses are houses with bookshelves near the toilet. But also – toilet music, motion-activated lights and toilet golf?! Alone time just got an UPGRADE, HONEY.

8. …including the MOST important man-made creation to exist. 

Sure, I miss my family a lot. I hug my parents when I get home in December and that’s wonderful etc. but NOTHING beats the unadulterated happiness that I feel in my heart when I finally see the butt spray. Not kidding, but for all of the “developing country” nonsense India puts up with, NO ONE talks about how we REVOLUTIONISED toilet usage. None of that loo roll rubbish, son. EDUCATE YOSELF.

spray

9. Sitting on a cold toilet bowl on a warm day. 

Again, I grew up in a warm country. And to those of you who did – don’t lie to me and tell me that you didn’t feel even the tiniest bit of joy when it was a really hot day and you sat down on a cold toilet seat. DO NOT LIE TO ME. That’s a sense of relief like no interaction with a human person will ever get you.

10. Actually having tolerable human interactions in bathrooms. 

I should’ve phrased this point better. Anyway. As much as I moan about human people in these posts, I’ve had some heartwarming moments that involved meeting women in bathrooms.

I’m not helping.

But you know what I mean. You’re in some stupid club because you have to be because you have the worst friends so you go to the bathroom to have a hearing break and some nice (probably drunk) girl tells you that you’re a beautiful angel with a choice in lipstick that even Angelina Jolie would envy and suddenly everything is alright? Yeah, I knew you knew what I meant.

Standard

Ten Reasons Why Very Niche Online Surveys are Better than People

This is possibly the worst participant recruitment activity to ever exist. Read at your own peril. (#pec)

chickenrock

1. Time is money.

Do you know how long an interaction with another human takes? No one does! Human beings are unpredictable. Online surveys, though? They set their agenda from the beginning. Does it say 15 minutes? It means 15 minutes. Or less!

2. Money is power. 

How often do you get rewarded for interacting with human people? Almost never. How often do you stand a chance at being rewarded for an online survey? Almost always! I’d take a shot at an Amazon voucher over a conversation with another human any day.

tumblr_n3s2eiofbd1saqvcqo1_500.gif

3. Interacting online is better than interacting in person. 

Yes, you might actually be interacting with a human by doing a survey. But, indirectly! Which is possibly the best type of interaction you could have with a person.

4. Buzzfeed quizzes. 

You owe your life to Buzzfeed quizzes. You’ve had *that* day. With meetings and conversations and stress. And then, you procrastinated with a quiz and found out that you’re more Patrick than Squidward and suddenly, the world is alright again. You know what I’m talking about.

5. So. Many. Graphs. 

You know what surveys lead to? Quantitative data. You know what you can use quantitative data for? MAKING GRAPHS. Watch this space for a post about why GRAPHS are better than human people.

6. Statistics.

What comes before graphs? Analyses. I’ve discovered that: a) doing statistics is better than hanging out with people, and b) talking about statistics is a good way to get rid of them. So many benefits!

And don’t even get me started on collating it all in Excel – I already got myself started a week ago.

7. No one knows who you are. 

Most surveys mean anonymity. A place where no one knows your name. What happens when no one knows you? They don’t talk to you.

8. Channel that anger! 

Opinion-based surveys are the best type. Humans love giving opinions, it’s a fact. It’s why surveys are such an effective research tool*

 

*citation forthcoming

9. Procrastination.

I’ve spent a lot of time doing surveys as a means of productive procrastination. Typing your opinions into a computer furiously also makes you look impressively busy, warding off possible conversationalists.

10. A chance to promote my survey! 

Finally, surveys are better than people because they give me a shot at writing this post in order for me to find a sneaky way to promote my own survey which is about TRAINS. The best kind of survey.

If you live in the UK, want to a shot at a £40 Amazon voucher, and have opinions on trains – this one’s for you! 

 

 

 

Standard

Ten Reasons Why Microsoft Excel is Better Than People

This is mostly just a collection of things that I love about Microsoft Excel. My blog, my rules. Here’s another week of the Poached Egg Challenge (#pec)

download

1. Spreadsheets are love. 

Spreadsheets are life. There is no stronger bond than the one between (wo)man and spreadsheet. People are often tardy, boring or unruly. Spreadsheets are none of those things. They are organisational perfection.

2. Borders.

Look at all of these border options in Excel:

jhjkh

People do not respect your boundaries the way that Excel does.

3. =COUNTIF

This is the best function in Excel, and if you disagree, you are a fool. It’s counting but with SUPERPOWERS. No human has ever impressed me as much as an excellently-formed COUNTIF function has the ability to do.

4. The Recently Used button.

Excel is so helpful and kind. You can find your recently used formulas by clicking this button. This makes data-inputting faster, and my day better. People reminding me of my recent behaviors have all ended up being regrettable conversations that have ruined my mood.

5. Diagonal Text

Running out of space in a cell? No worries, just tip your text on it’s side and you’ve got DIAGONAL WORDS. How snazzy is that?!

diagonal_data

6. =DAYS

This embarrassing, but I have issues re: counting days. So if you give me a date range, it takes me a while to figure out how many days you’re talking about (this is *your* fault, people are the worst). Excel, however, will do that FOR me.

7. Wrap Text and Merge & Center.

Have you ever had too much data in your cell, thus destroying the beauty of your table? The answer is NO. Because Excel will wrap, merge and center those cells until it can’t do it no mo’. Excel goes the extra mile for you.

8. Cell formats.

There are SO MANY formats for cells on Excel. Look at them!

sdfsd

People are GENERAL-ly a small PERCENTAGE of SPECIAL compared to Excel, and I’m ACCOUNTING for all CUSTOM variables here. Their CURRENCY is a FRACTION of – okay I can stop now.

9. CHARTS.

People often say too many words, and a small number of them end up being useful. Charts barely use any words, but contain a LARGE amount of HEART. And probably information. But mostly, love.

10. PivotTables.

PivotTables are REVOLUTIONARY for their data summarizing capabilities. Don’t even get me started on PIVOTCHARTS. Can people even ASPIRE to be that magnificent? (No!)

Standard

Ten Reasons Why *Even* The Gym is Better than People

I’ve had a two-week hiatus thanks to all the (actual) writing I’ve had to do. Unfortunately, none of it has been the fun kind – like these Poached Egg Challenge (#pec) posts! In an attempt to motivate myself for what should be a required exercise-heavy weekend, I’ve decided to write about why EVEN the goshdarn GYM is better than human people. 

exercise_response

1. No talking. 

Nobody chats at the gym. All around me are familiar faces, worn out faces, yet none of us will engage in any more communication than a quick nod before awkwardly breaking eye contact. It’s beautiful.

2. No notifications. 

While being at the gym might not *completely* be better than being with people, you do get to avoid people while you’re there by putting your phone away. So I guess that’s a plus?

3. No news. 

Do you wake up every morning and feel like you shouldn’t have bothered because the news is always the worst? The gym is a place where your phone (and the news) does not exist for at least a solid 30 minutes. People, on the other hand, always want to have discussions about it. Sometimes, for more than 30 minutes. WHY.

4. Endorphins. 

People give you headaches. The gym gives you endorphins. Headaches = bad. Endorphins = good.

5. That feeling of accomplishment. 

I don’t often feel accomplished, but the gym is the one place that gives me rewards for being there. Literally. My watch sends me fitness awards ~douche alert~ . I never get prizes for enduring the presence of other people.

6. Trashy music. 

There is always terrible music on at the gym, and it is GREAT. When you’re with people, however, they don’t always want to listen to Knocks You Down by Keri Hilson ft. Kanye West and Ne-Yo.

Monsters.

7. No thinking. 

I cannot multi-task. Thus, I cannot overthink every social interaction I’ve ever had when I’m at the gym. It’s just me and the reliable whirring of the rowing machine. Not only do I get to not be around people, I’m not thinking about them either!

8. Post-gym potatoes. 

I seldom get to justify rewarding myself with potatoes after hanging out with people. I always get to justify rewarding myself with potatoes after going to the gym.

9. Gym clothes. 

That combination of soft leggings, a shirt you stole from someone one time and your worst pair of socks. That is a combination made in Comfort Heaven. Unfortunately, you cannot wear that combination all of the time. Why? The Patriarchy People. (But also, the patriarchy).

10. Stretching. 

Sometimes a good stretch can fix everything that hasn’t been working in your life. Back pain? Stretch it out. Foot cramp? Stretching will help. Immeasurable amounts of debt? Stretch one leg into a car, then the other, and then drive away and never look back.

Standard

Ten Reasons Why Snow is Better than People

This week has been insane. I’ve seen more snow than I’ve ever seen in my whole entire life. It’s been massively inconvenient and absolutely wonderful. Here’s why it’s been better than dealing with human people #poachedeggchallenge

heavy-snow-in-the-uk

1. Stomp! 

I had the best time ever on Wednesday night, stomping through the snow. Feeling your boots sink into a (reasonably deep) soft cloud of snowy wonderfulness is the best feeling. You cannot (and should not) sink your feet into the gross bag of flesh and bones that is a human person.

2. Watching snowfall. 

I spent last night sitting in my warm living room, watching the snow fall. Not only was it better than ever having watched a human being, it was definitely more appropriate.

3. Snowpeople. 

Snowpeople are fun to make and are excellent friends, because they do not talk. People are probably fun to make, but that’s about it.

4. Snowball fights. 

Snow gives you a legitimate reason to throw something at another human without someone calling you vicious or mean-spirited.

5. Everything is cancelled. 

I have done nothing but sit at home for the past two days because of all of this damn snow. All plans, events, outside world shenanigans have been CANCELLED. Which means NO PEOPLE. Thank you, snow!

6. Warm food. 

A warm mug of tea or bowl of soup or pot of stew or glass of cognac what – all of those things feel significantly more wondrous when it is absolutely bonkers outside. Having warm people means that you’re now stuck inside with people. Boo!

7. Snow animals! 

The only thing cuter than sleeping animals are snowy animals. I present to you exhibits A and B:

Snowy people will never, ever be even half as adorable.

8. Walking through snow. 

It’s great to walk through snow (when the wind isn’t blowing you into the canal). It makes walking bearable. People make walking even worse than it already is.

9. Hibernating. 

Snowy days give you the perfect excuse to sleep and spend the entire day under your duvet – both TONS better than interacting with human people, as I’ve previously mentioned.

10. That snow silence. 

That calm silence outside that’s different to rain silence – you know what I mean. It’s all snowed-up outside, and all quiet and calm and beautiful. Do you know what that sound is? It’s the sound of nobody talking to you.

Standard