I’ve been off for a few weeks with a cough that shook every ounce of energy out of my tiny, frail body. (Help me). Kidding, I was mostly fine, albeit the loss of some brain cells. Anyway, I’ve been revived by this excellent suggestion, received through the contact form on my website (shameless plug, worth it). This might just be my favourite Poached Egg Challenge post yet!
1. Good ol’ fashioned alone time.
Have you ever been followed into the bathroom by another person? (If the answer – worryingly – is “yes”, you should report them under most circumstances). Time on the toilet is time to myself. No humans are good humans.
2. Good ol’ fashioned escape time.
Can’t cry at your desk at work? No worries! That’s what the toilets are for!
I’m kidding, I don’t cry on the outside at work. I cry on the inside, like a winner.
3. They’re accepting.
Toilet bowls will take any crap, literally (haha you knew I was going to put that in somewhere haha), you throw at them and do so with pride. Apart from the obvious, my toilet bowl has also taken make-up pads, tissue paper, other paper that I was too lazy to find a dustbin for, my tears AND my dreams. What a good boy.
4. They’re non-judgemental and non-discriminatory.
Unnecessary to state, but necessary to emphasise upon – TOILET. BOWLS. DON’T. JUDGE. They’ve seen things, man. They’ve been there. And do they care? No.
Have I just anthropomorphised a toilet? Yes. So what? Still makes better conversation than a lot of “actual” people I’ve met.
5. They give you comfort.
Through sickness, health, more sickness and even the unspeakable. People will come and go, toilet bowls will be there forever.
Have you ever needed the toilet REALLY BADLY and then IT HAPPENS? That sense of relief – humans will never bring that to you. Unless they’ve facilitated access to a toilet, in which case they’ve redeemed themselves for a quick second.
6. They give you confidence.
Don’t lie to me and pretend like you’ve never spent enough time on the toilet to leave feeling a pound lighter and ready to take on the world. I have specific items of clothing that will only fit with toilet assistance sometimes. True story. Grossed out? Typical human.
7. They give you ACCESSORIES…
A world of entertainment! My favourite houses are houses with bookshelves near the toilet. But also – toilet music, motion-activated lights and toilet golf?! Alone time just got an UPGRADE, HONEY.
8. …including the MOST important man-made creation to exist.
Sure, I miss my family a lot. I hug my parents when I get home in December and that’s wonderful etc. but NOTHING beats the unadulterated happiness that I feel in my heart when I finally see the butt spray. Not kidding, but for all of the “developing country” nonsense India puts up with, NO ONE talks about how we REVOLUTIONISED toilet usage. None of that loo roll rubbish, son. EDUCATE YOSELF.
9. Sitting on a cold toilet bowl on a warm day.
Again, I grew up in a warm country. And to those of you who did – don’t lie to me and tell me that you didn’t feel even the tiniest bit of joy when it was a really hot day and you sat down on a cold toilet seat. DO NOT LIE TO ME. That’s a sense of relief like no interaction with a human person will ever get you.
10. Actually having tolerable human interactions in bathrooms.
I should’ve phrased this point better. Anyway. As much as I moan about human people in these posts, I’ve had some heartwarming moments that involved meeting women in bathrooms.
I’m not helping.
But you know what I mean. You’re in some stupid club because you have to be because you have the worst friends so you go to the bathroom to have a hearing break and some nice (probably drunk) girl tells you that you’re a beautiful angel with a choice in lipstick that even Angelina Jolie would envy and suddenly everything is alright? Yeah, I knew you knew what I meant.